Enough about Braid. Here's a bunch of other nonsense...

Cause I'm boring people with Braid talk. It was amazing in ways non video game people can't understand. It was a lot like Portal- it made me think but wasn't unfair. Everyone should play them both but I realize my powers of video game persuasion fall on deaf ears. All you people with lives and such- I'm doing the dirty work for you. I'm playing through games and telling you about them. I should get a medal.

Two other things are in my field of vision this weekend. Spaced, a Brit comedy reccommended by Phil, is excellent. I've seen the entire first season, and am looking forward to the 2nd. But tonight, that was topped. I just watched the first episode of Generation Kill.

Ok. Imagine a show about Marines kicking ass. Set it in the 2nd gulf war. Get the guys who created and wrote The Wire to adapt it for a seven part series for HBO (which means some great and creative cussing). I am sold.

The Wire guys are also prepping a show that takes place in Nola called Treme. I will be all about that, as well.

I have also acquired the first episode of Hard Knocks but haven't watched it yet. The "inside the NFL training camp" series is always one of my favorites. It's interesting watching these guys fight for that last roster spot. None of them are guaranteed anything. It's good tv.

I also dusted off the Rock Band today and realized that I need to play it more often. I suck. Rock Band 2 is coming soon, and when it does there will be a gathering. One surrounded by football, beer, and Rock Band. Since John is no longer in the state, we're going to have to figure out how to use the grill, though.

Braid

If you have an xbox 360, download this game now. If you don't have an xbox, then I'm very, very sorry.

Metal Karaoke at Speakeasy

DSC_0805, originally uploaded by ditchell.

It was a good time. this guy tore it up. I took a ton of pictures. head over to www.flickr.com\ditchellpics for more.

Open Letter to Neighbor and Coworker

Dear Sir or Ma'am:

I am not interested in your multilevel marketing plan. I also do not want to sell insurance to my friends or family. I am also not interested in the deep discounts access to your product will earn me. Mainly because I think it is complete bullshit.

Thanks,

Chris

falling for it

Well everyone ELSE is talking about it.

At first i scoffed. But it is kind of neat. I really like the whole column view thing. I'm not sure it's as good as google- searching for myself was met with mixed results. It found the same thing many times- something that google doesn't do.

But I do like the idea of someone doing something different with search. Competition is good. And when it IPOs I will be on it like a vulture.


In other news:

Cutting the grass today became an exercise in frustration. My new lawnmower (which proudly says in it "Guaranteed to Start") decided to quit while I was cutting the front. Gas and oil a plenty in it, I am stuck as far as what to do next. Mainly because I don't understand the combustion engine, and have no desire to learn its inner workings. I pay people for that. I'll just load it up in the van and take it to a repairman.

Now where did I park that van? Oh wait, there's this expensive still camera sitting where the van was. Hmm.

I am going to see if it starts tomorrow. Perhaps it was flooded or flurged or some other made up word about engines. If that doesn't happen, I'll place the call. It will go something like this.

"Father, it is time. There is a great disturbance in my yard. The lawnmower requires your attention."

"Yes my son. I shall bring my trailer and my own mower to finish the yard when you aren't even there. I will do a better job than you ever could have, and your neighbors will scoff at you for hiring elderly labor. And I shall take your mower back to my lair where I will dissect it, most likely breaking it beyond repair. Then I shall give you my old mower, and use that as an excuse to go buy a new one that will be superior to yours in every way. It will have headlights and a beverage holder. I will never use or understand any of the new features on it, of course."

I am trying to be funny. But he does have a way with things. He'll come over, look it over, and find that one critical thing that I never knew about and twiddle with it. It's infuriating in a way, but I can tell he likes that.

But it's also my fault. The other day my neighbor let me borrow his power washer. Aside: dude, my driveway is WHITE. When he was showing me how it worked, we were talking about how my garage door is on its last legs, shuddering down the track. he looked over and showed me how ALL the bolts on it were loose. I'm talking really loose. I would have never thought to actually check them.

But the laugh is on him! I tightened the bolts and it still appears to be slowly dying. Maybe something else is loose. I need to attack it with wrenches. I'll do that Eventually.

flickr crazy

I love my new camera. Check out my flickr page. I'm pretty proud of my "return to where I used to go as a kid and its all fucked up now" pictures. Cause they communicate how i felt. I was in complete shock that this nice little park I used to ride my bike to is completely decimated. And nature is slowing swallowing it up. I should have walked around more, tried to get a picture of the pool. But I was really shaken by it.

I went to the Terminal fundraiser show tonight solo. It was OK. I really hope they stay afloat. But as I told the guy behind the site, if I like what you're doing then most of Birmingham probably does not. At some point you have to appeal to the masses, not the 20 people who are at Bottletree every time I go.

I saw some people I knew at Bottletree, but the whole night felt hollow to me. I felt like I was going through the motions- stepping outside my fragile little circle again and observing people like I was watching a nature doc.

Sometimes I do things and I don't fully understand why. I guess going to Bottletree was one of them. The safe bet was hanging with Phil and Wendy and then going to Chad's. But I chose to go alone to a show full of people I barely know. I either have to stop doing that sort of thing, or stop wondering why I do it.

It's not that I had a bad time, it was just odd. This whole week, month, year has been odd. And I'm not sure why.

The Dark Knight

I saw the Dark Knight in IMAX tonight.  The IMAX part was cool, but I want to see it in a ral theatre- at times it was just too much.

But the movie. Some of my friends seemed a little underwhelmed. I don't know if they were watching some other movie. 

I said when I saw Batman Begins that finally somebody who's making these things gets it. Tonight I say that somebody who's making these things is a genius. The characterization of the Joker is so concise- so pitch perfect. I had no love for Ledger, but after seeing this, I'm quite sorry the poor bastard is no longer with us. He nailed it. They all did. There are some nits I could pick- but why bother? It's a great movie. It surprised me in many ways, and I can't wait to see it again. 

The show

Did you see that South Park where Britney Spears blew her head off but the media still followed her every move? And then at the end (sorry to ruin it) they found Miley Cyrus and started following her? Stan's dad was part of the unspoken cabal intent on destroying celebrities.

And I think it's true. I have a friend- Let's call her Misty just to piss her off. Misty has a problem- Misty is obsessed with everything that Amy Winehouse does. And she shares the minutia of "Wino"'s life on google reader. Being one of her friends, I am updated to Wino's every move. Unfortunately Misty also shares some interesting things, so I can't immediately discount her shared items. So here I am, at least once a day, skimming past headlines that are totally concerned with the fact that some drugged out "talent" left a club with a lamp. That was the story the other day. She took a lamp.

Some days, she goes out to get cigarettes. Some days she get's drunk. Or signs an autograph. No matter what she does, I can see in my head the 18 photographers following her around.

That's probably the worst part of this whole business- how do you wake up in the morning and go to work, when your job is to stalk some fucked up celebrity? You have to know in the back of your head that you are the problem with the world. Kind of like somebody who tries to get people to watch something on television by scaring them or telling them that the life of their children depends on it. What do you call those people? Hmm.

At least at my job, I'm not jamming a camera in someone's face.

The next to worst part is the writing of these sites that Misty frequents. It's pure bile. I'm still shocked sometimes by the hatred they have of Wino. It's as if I had to write about pudding all day, and pudding killed my father. That is the tone of the articles. Let me dig up an example..

In this passage, the writer talks about what it would be like to look at Wino's breasts...

I’d say “not a pleasant sight” is a bit of an understatement. It’d be looking at
two scabby fried eggs you found on the ground and then squashed and slid around
on a dirty window. And the scabby fried eggs are attached to the alien from
Predator’s head and the alien is making the tongue-between-the-fingers sign for
cunnilingus and snarling at you through the partition. I’ve had nightmares that
weren’t that hideous. I’m pretty sure hara-kiri is the only respectable choice
for your penis once you’ve seen something like that.

I appreciate some good filth as much as the next guy, and reading this alone might elicit a chuckle from you- but imagine reading this every day. Imagine writing this every day. After a while, it wears on me.

When she dies (which she probably will soon) then I'll have to read hateful critiques of the funeral. And then some guy will blast her choice in caskets. And then some other asshole will talk shit about her gravestone (it should be made of crack! ha!).

You know, I obsess over video games and media and computer shit. And maybe I'm a giant dork. And I need to go to the gym and eat better.

But thank god I'm not one of these people. I'm better than this shit.

a bunch of savages in this town

DSC_0066, originally uploaded by ditchell.

I thnk Casey might have captured what its like to hang out with drunk Lawlesses in one single picture...

Photo picture making

So. How was your week [that's good, Chris. Engage the reader]

Fantastic. I had a good week too. [and now hook them with your trademark self reflection. No other blog is doing this. Cutting Effing Edge, bro.]

I decided to buy a digital camera. Not just any digital camera, but one of those fancy ones. A Nikon D80, to be exact. Now the most obvious question, and quite a good one, is Why?

Unfortunately there's not really an easy answer. In my "professional career" there have been moments of time when I needed a "real" "camera" [Quote marks make you look smart and are almost never ridiculed for being used in the wrong place]. But those odd times don't necessitate owning one- just knowing who to call on when you need one.

But there's another factor at play here. One I've been toying with during the early part of this very blog. My ego.

I got one. And when I see something creative it never fails that a small part of my brain says "I can do that."

So I bought a camera. I'm reading about f/stops and ISO. And either I'm going to "do that" or I can't. But I need a challenge. I've obviously conquered the "way too old to play Call of Duty on a Saturday morning" challenge. And fortunately for a certain TV station, I'm obviously the shit when it comes to writing and producing. [ I wonder if sarcasm comes across in this medium?]

So let's see what I can do with stillz. Maybe nothing. Maybe I'll just have a kickass camera I use every now and then. Maybe I'll annoy the shit out of you talking about lenses I want. [and there are lenses I want, dear reader]

But whatever. It's something new. I gotta have new things. I gotta either fail or succeed. But I need to try. I have to. Just wait til I get the equipment for my concept album. [whew. they probably think I'm joking]

new camera again

DSC_0022, originally uploaded by ditchell.

don't leave your new camera alone with Lawlesses.

rampant consumerism unchecked

Oh yes.

doolittle, chainsaws, and long rakes

Video game talk. Run.

If you know me, you know I am a big fan of Rock Band. Tonight, I played Doolittle by the Pixies.

The entire album. In a game.

I can honestly say its one of those video gaming benchmarks for me. Here's an album I've been listening to for 15 years, I know every word and every sound on it. Getting to interact with it is a truly beautiful experience. One can level many criticisms at music games' lack of reality- and choosing between five colored buttons instead of a fret board is a clear dumbing-down of the process. But in its rawest form, the act of causing Joey Santiago's guitar to play or not based on my input- well its damn fun. I've thought of all of this before- but sitting down and playing a complete album really makes it special.

I can't wait to have some of the crew over who love this album too. I can't wait to screech into the mike "cookie I think your TAAAAAAAAME!". I want to play the bass on every song- guitar is fantastic but there's so many bass lines.

And I haven't even thought about drums.

Guitar Hero: World Tour is coming up. It has an alledgedly better drumkit and the sweet nectar of user created songs (no vocals for obvious reasons). But tonight reminded me that Harmonix (the original Guitar Hero creators who moved on the Rock Band) still have a leg up on the newer publishers of Guitar Hero (Neversoft, who previously did Tony Hawk games. Seriously). If you play Guitar Hero 3 and play Rock band you can just feel the difference. Rock Band was created by people who love music and know music. Guitar Hero 3 (and the upcoming Aerosmith and World Tour) were created by people who used to make skateboard games and now want to make money.

Speaking of money, Guitar Hero World Tour would require me to own 2 (!) fake drum sets. Fortunately I have guitars that will work with it. I don't know if the mike will work with it or not. My plan is this- let it come out and see what the user generated content comes up with. If it's robust, then its a consideration. The unknown factor at this point is how Rock Band will respond. I have a feeling they will answer loudly. They also will most likely allow all the songs I've bought to carry over to the next game.

These things are becoming platforms inside of platforms.

End video game talk.

I've been going to the gym. I am sore in the appropriate places. It feels good. I took tonight off and instead attempted to clean the roof of my shed in the back yard. I duct taped a rake to a long branch to scrape the roof of the leaves and dirt that have collected there. It worked. Sort of. But the funny thing was, there were growing plants up there. Perhaps I should do that more often. I am going to have to devise a more stable Long Rake for future endeavors. On the main roof of the shed I merely succeeded in pushing the loam to the rear of the roof. A couple of my most energetic thrusts (yeah, that one's free folks) resulted in the ladder slightly shifting. Not a good prospect when you're 12 feet in the air. So that- and thunder- ended my pitched roof battle. heh.

Oh and Sunday I got to use my new chainsaw. It is, as I expected, the most fun you can have with a power tool. Especially after cutting down things with loppers and a hand saw. It's almost effortless, and I get a kick out of the arterialesque spray of wood from the small trees I felled. Yeah, I'm into that. Sue me. The yard is a constant battle. Any of you with houses know this. I walk out to get the mail and I can spot about 15 things I want to do. And just looking in the back triggers all sorts of nagging reminders. The weird thing is, part of me wonders why I am so (albeit mildly) obsessed about my yard. I used to look oddly at my father when he would spend hours on his day off in the yard doing all sorts inconsequetial things. But now that I'm older, I guess I get it. It's just like anything else- it can consume you. Sometimes you need something like that to forget about all the crap you have to do at work, or the various other ruts you have dug for yourself.

I'm down with that.

last week

here's what i did at work last week. i'm quite happy with it

bravado

Well. My bravado regarding the spaying of Maeby has most definitely subsided. I took her in this morning, and picked her up after work. She's... worn out. And unlike when my boy cats got fixed, when I saw the incision I gasped. They GO IN there. And remove things.

I'm feeling quite guilty about the whole thing right now. But I guess it's natural. As long as there aren't any complications, everything should turn out ok. But seriously, it's a big ass cut.

She's moping by my feet right now. The doc suggested I isolate her for a night and let her rest. I went downstairs and watched some TV. When I came back up, somehow she'd gotten in my computer chair. Considering how incredibly sore she is, it must have been a feat. It would be like... well shit. I can't actually relate to what it would be like. I bet it hurt.

I'm thinking about taking the chair out of the room tonight.

So instead of going out on a friday night, I'm drinking bourbon and feeling like shit because I got my cat spayed.

This is living.

chop chop

my tiny little furball of biting scratching thumbtack hating misery is getting spayed tomorrow. she is currently unaware of her plight. despite the lunacy of it- i kind of feel for her. she's going to have a traumatic day. i actually scheduled it on a friday so i could hang with her tomorrow nite and make sure she's ok. it's weird how ten years ago i'd be repulsed at the concept of staying in to care for an animal, and i'm kind of looking forward to watching some Mad Men and making sure the cats don't kill each other.

1999

some of us were making short films about unrequited love.

heat

So. My adorable, almost six month old cat Maeby is feelin' frisky. I think. She goes into the center of the house, making sure that all can hear her, and lets out this...yowl that sounds like she's being stepped on by Nazis. The first five times she did this, I rushed to her anticipating her impeding death. 

But now I know. The vet told me I had six months. But Maeby had a different time table. The worst thing about it is that there's nothing I can do. It's best to wait for her to die down before we go in and chop those ovaries. And much like my experience with my male cat, Koba, I can't wait to chop em off. 

Koba was the first cat I had ever been around longer than a couple of hours. He and his brother Otto were (and still are) awesome, badass cats.  When we first got them, I recoiled at the thought of chopping their balls off. As soon as they started spraying everything in sight, I changed my mind. And just like them, Maeby's time has come. 

The funny thing is Koba hates her more than usual now. I think he's kind of upset there's a girl who's good to go and he can't do anything about it. Sorry fella- you're the one who peed on my stereo seven years ago. 

I had some more reader feedback on the blog. It was suggested I spend less time on cars, and more on delicious yardwork. Well I have little to report, other than a perilous oil change for the lawnmower. But that will change. Because sitting on my couch is an 18" chainsaw. I call it ChainMaster X. Well not really. I just made that up. But when the weather's nice and I get a chance to read the manual, there's going to be a culling. If you're a small tree in my backyard, and you somehow can read these words, then know that they are the harbinger your doom. 

More stories

No not the good kind of stories. The kind you write at work.

Here's my story about our new News set!
http://www.cbs42.com/news/local/19721479.html

Complete with pictures of my coworkers with sledgehammers.

It's Promoterrific!

Writin'

I wrote an article for CBS 42's website. Have a read- I'm pretty happy with it.

http://www.cbs42.com/green/19505484.html

Watching too much Top Gear has made me think I can review cars

let go

I had a good weekend. I just sort of let go of all the angstitude and concentrated on the moment. I got some reader feedback that my blog reads like a gossip column. I take reader feedback pretty seriously- if you're actually taking the time to read the blog, then I should adjust. So now I will detail how to properly shotgun a beer...

I kid, I kid.

Actually if I were to keep score, then this weekend wasn't that great. But what's the use of that? I'm not even sure what measurement I could use for scorekeeping. World 16000, Ditchell 6. There. That's the running score. But those six points- I earned them. I guess. 

The beerfest was a spectacular clusterfuck from the outside. Once inside it was fine. Post beerfest was an interesting night. It didn't go well but Sunday morning I didn't care. Something washed over me today. Maybe it was that hellish downpour, hail striking my windshield as I went to visit the parents. But I sort of recentered things. Fortunately such an extreme measure did not require peyote. And it wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't say to myself "OK stop this shit."

I just kind of felt it. I don't think anyone will ever be able to tell me how the subconscious mind works- and if they try they are most likely full of shit. 

But what I find interesting about this...whatever it was... is that not too long ago this wouldn't have happened. I feel (perhaps incorrectly) that getting older has mellowed out my brain. In a good way. Less drama and more... sureness? I don't know the words. 

Never mind. It sounds ridiculous. I think its true, but it does sound ridiculous

With all of that out of the way, I give my highest possible musical recommendation to an odd choice- Springsteen's The Seeger Sessions. 

I thought I was too cool for Springsteen. But I'm not.  It's distilled American music. I can't describe it any better. It's wonderful.

mystery theatre

Three Things I Should Have Said At The Time.

1. Despite everything else, your introduction of artichokes to my diet was enlightening.

2. Yeah, I'll go to San Diego with you.

3. I'll miss you even if I don't act like it now.

For some reason- most likely the hangover/lack of sleep, I've been in one of those morose, cynically reflective moods. Nobody can beat you up like yourself- you know where to land all the punches that hurt the most. 

did i just make that up or read it somewhere? either way i'm claiming it. 

the long count, indeed.

The Long Count

I've been semi seriously thinking that December 21, 2012 was the end of it all.

Apparently the disaster has been averted.

Whew!

I do like calling something "The Long Count". That will either be my novel about migrant accountants or my concept album about...migrant accountants.

The Long Count. I really like that. That's a good blog name. It certainly makes more sense than The Exact Smile. You know how I got that name? Two random words in the dictionary. Really. But it kind of clicked at the time. I love the word exact. I like some words that when you say them and type them and write them, they feel right. Exact feels right to me. Smile... well I don't know why I liked that. I guess the idea was that I was capturing a moment- and a smile is a moment. So The Exact Smile is a moment in time- maybe its happy, maybe cynical. I don't know. But its important to notice moments. I've spent most of my life living by this:

since feeling is first
e.e. cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

It's not like I can tell you why, either. It was the first time a poem reached up, slapped me in the face, and made me tear each word apart. I don't expect you to understand or feel the same way. One day I'll tell you if you want to hear it. But I'm not going to impose a verbose explanation on you in this space.

To continue my fascination with social networking, I joined facebook. People have found me on there...people whom I had completely forgotten about. It's very strange to see someone 20 years later.

I also found a girl I dated. I haven't seen her in 10 years. She's happily Mommed up now with a cute kid. It is oddly satisfying to me to see that she's doing well. Someone who I have probably thought about a handful of times in the last 12 years. But its all good.

I look forward to seeing what other denizens turn up on there. It's a certain kind of person (that I am unfortunately one of) that wants to see how it turned out, I guess.

wholly a fool,
cm

after after math

drunk blogging. wow. need to cut that out immediately.

I thought about explaining what the hell that was about. I even wrote it out. But I've decided that's best left unposted. Not because I don't like you, gentle reader. But because I'm not sure I want to be absolutely brutally honest. I see no benefit in it. As some sort of writer, I love the act of typing it in. And reading it a day later, it's honestly not too bad. But I'm flushing it. Sorry. Don't take it personally.

you don't come here for my pathetic social life- you come here for random nonsense!

let's talk about... Mario!

I had my first brush with Super Mario Galaxy tonight. I played for about 45 minutes, and at the end of that time, I realized that I was dizzy. It was a welcome break from GTA, but I just don't know about it. I think I may have moved on from Mario games. At no time could I drive down a sidewalk, ending lives with abandon. And there was never any place to buy guns.

Busy week.
Sweeps ends Wednesday. Thursday I'm giving away a car (in Jasper, of course). Saturday I'm destroying a set, going to a wedding, and then going back to destroying a set. I hope at some point to drink myself silly. I'm already planning on Sunday being my day of rest, and then Monday will be a continuation of Sunday.

What else, what else. I worked the Regions Charity Classic yesterday. I got sunburned and gave out water bottles to all who walked by. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either.

So I'm going to be busy. And after recent events, I welcome it.

Dear Sir:

You are a ****-*****ing ************. Seriously, the girl and i are connecting, dancing, having fun. And you just won't go to your apartment. Go, ***********, go. Please.

And now I come home, just like you. Sleep well, ************.

i say goddamn.

D'accord!

Just had it checked out by a mechanic. Need to spend about $150 on it, but since I'm getting a good deal I'll do that in a couple of weeks. I'll probably write wayyyyy too much about it later, but here it is, on the lot.

never mind about that baja.

the warm embrace of the Honda Accord is calling. I've killed two of its bretheren, but it cannot be deterred. And despite my Subaru flirtation of yesterday, it welcomes me back.

the monthlong car dance is ending. it's the last night before we all go our seperate ways and i stop bookmarking 10 car sites. and AC will flow as i drive into that golden sunset.

adieu, adieu, adieu

is the car search over?

maybe.

edit: according to the epa, it gets 16mpg city, 21 highway. and requires premium gas.
i don't know. i don't know.

nola stage 3

so i'm in New Orleans for a wedding. First, let me say that these people know how to throw a wedding. I'm hopelessly, sloppy liquor drunk right now and stuffed full of exotic foods they just bring to your table. its no wonder everyone down here weighs 400 pounds. i had more jambalaya and gumbo than you ate last year- unless you really like those two foods. and shrimp. just shrimp everywhere. a shrimplosion.

i did some drive-bys of the streets I visited 4 months after Katrina (and then 1 year later). While there's still those head-scratching instances of "will they ever clean that shit up?" there's definately...progress. It doesn't feel quite as bad as it did my last visits- and shit, it's been almost 3 years so it shouldn't. But driving in, you still see houses where the owner said "screw it".

Of course, truth be told, I would have never lived in this god forsaken place. It's not that I hate it, but its just off. It smells funny. It's dirty. And the people are strange. They pride themselves on being the "European City of America." I call BS. I drive down the Causeway and I see
AMERICA. I see Center Point. I see suburban LA. It's all the same. Strip malls starbucks walmarts home depots mcdonalds. Don't kid yourselves, New Orleans. Sure the French Quarter is very European, but nobody actually goes down there who lives here. It's kind of like Vulcan. Do you ever go to Vulcan? Hell no you don't.

I'm trying to decide if I'm driving back tomorrow. There's jazz fest going on, but I'm not sure I want to get in the middle of it. I swore off festivals unless Led Zeppelin and the zombie Beatles are playing.

Before I leave, I'll drive through the 9th ward again. I did that as I left last year- and it was absolutely stunning. Over here in Metarie, there was some bad stuff- but the 9th ward was what you saw on the news. And last year- 1.5 years after it hit- it was one of the most striking things I've ever seen. I'm curious what it looks like now.

My father loaned me his car to drive down here. I resisted at first but the idea of delicious AC was too tempting. And driving down here (in 5.5 hours through rush hour- go ahead and try to beat that) was glorious. His car not only keeps you comfortable, when it hits a bump you don't go flying out of your seat. Also you don't have to hit the radio to make the front speakers work. I did miss that part. The point being- I need some wheels. I have the cash, now its just a matter of finding something. And I think at last count I had "settled" on about 15 different cars before researching my way out of wanting them. I'm sure you can draw some overarching conclusion about my entire personality when I admit that I have a tough time settling on things. Go ahead, I'll wait for you....

Anyways, I need a car. I remember when a friend of mine got a perfectly average little car. I snorted and said something about how PLAIN it was. I regret that. Because the more I look for a car with "personality" the more I realize that those cars aren't that reliable or have some problem or something.

ugh.

long blog. thank god for free hotel internet.

oh sweet GTA, I'm coming home soon.

GTA IV

I purchased GTA IV at 12 midnight last night, and at 12:07 I started playing it.

Unfortunately, that means that blogging will be at a limited pace for a little bit while I work this game over.

Please check back in a week and I'll have too many words to say about it in this space.

c

Cars.

Ok. I've spent the better part of the last two weeks pouring over Consumer Reports, Edmunds, and countless other sites- the Xb Owner's Club, Fitfreak.com, and multiple Prius sites.

And I'm sick of it.

Most of this was academic. I was getting a 03-04 Inifiniti g35 coupe. They are gorgeous, and can be found in a price that is high, but I can deal with for such a badass car. And then I read about the brake problems. Do I want to get new brakes twice a year? And don't think its isolated. Google it. It's all over. Screw that.

Today I drove a Acura TL (something was wrong with it- the salesman swore it was just the tires). It was big and roomy and 3K cheaper than it should have been. Warning sign. Then I drove a Volvo S60. I actually liked it quite a bit. But it's big. Real big. and a little readout in the dash proudly proclaimed 18.1 MPG! No. I'm currently getting 13 MPG. I am done with that.

So then I went and looked elsewhere. I thought the smaller Volvo, the S40, would be good. And it might be. But I've read too many posts about how unreliable they are. So I came home, and realized I did want a smaller car. So I went back out. To Tameron Honda. After explaining to Brian, my salesperson, that I was not buying a car that day, I jumped in a Honda Fit. It's a go-kart. Loved it. Gets 33 MPG. Plenty of headroom. Legroom is there, but not fantastic. It's small so elbows might get rubbed if i was carrying people around- but honestly most of the time in my car its just me. Perfect!

I get back to the dealership and Brian wants to run some numbers. Sure, I'll indulge you Brian. I get them, and they are really high. I kind of chuckle and politely explain how I'm going to finance the car myself at a lower interest rate and tax deductable. Can you beat that? Why of course we can. We just need your SSN. Oh and sign here saying you'll buy the car.

Excuse me? Really, Brian? After our long talk about salesmen bullshit as I drove the fit around, you're going to ask me to commit to buying this car?

Sigh. I understand people have to work for a living. But I got no sympathy for you, Brian. Go back to insurance. I can't wait for that inevitable follow-up call where he tries to guilt me into buying a car. Cause before all of this, I actually gave him my number. Yeah man, let me know when that black one gets in, I'll come check it out. But you screwed up, man. Cause there's no way I'm buying from you. Or any of these dealerships. I can't handle it. This is not Glengarry Glenross and I am not some elderly couple.

And besides- I get home thinking that the Fit was pretty sweet for a little pea shooter and I read about the all new/all better 2009 Fit. Coming this fall.

So its probably off the list. And I can't wait til fall. I want to drive a Saturn Astra, a Mazda 3, and maybe an older Audi A3 if i can find one thats automatic.

But now I'm also thinking of buying something really cheap. Screw this whole business. I don't have time for it. I'm not going to the gym. I'm not sleeping as much cause I'm sitting here researching cars. Its not killing me, but its making me miserable. Partially thats my fault. When I get into something- I do not mess around. I have got to resolve this.

So I'm thinking NOW that I spend much less than I want to. Maybe get a manual transmission. I'm sick of everyone telling me that I'll get tired of shifting. And if they're right, I don't have a lot of money in the car.

Or, god help me, I ride this GMC monster down the non air conditioned twilight of its years. with only the erratic Anti-lock brake light to keep me company. Sure when you see me I might be sweaty, but that will make up for missing the gym.

The crazy thing is that I'm starting to get very shallow about driving it. It has actually occurred to me as I pass by a moderately cute girl "What does she think of me in this van?" I've never had that sort of thought in my life. I also hate its lack of anonymity. I'll see acquaintances and they'll say to me "Saw you were still at the bar pretty late last night!" You know why they knew I was there? Because I'm driving a giant effing van.

I gotta go. Craigslist's parade of cheap, old cars isn't going to read itself.


Please note: I recognize how incredibly insignificant and ridiculous my complaints are if compared to virtually any other problem you or the citizens of an African nation are facing. If this disconnect with reality concerns you, I suppose you should take my blog as the simplistic inane drivel that it is and nothing more.

down from the ledge

So I went and drove a BMW 330i at lunch today. Let me explain this is very clear terms- it is the finest automobile I've driven. It screams. It purrs. It is everything that the reviews said it was.

And I'm not buying it.

Because after work, I drove a Scion xB. It has no pickup, no feel for the road, and looks like a minature version of the van I'm currently driving. But what it does have, is a 13K price tag. The BMW clocked in at 23.5K.

Logic hit me about an hour ago. I'm test driving the xB with a saleslady, who's wants me to buy it AT THAT VERY MOMENT. Despite her yipping, I notice that I liked it more than I thought I would. I have always liked the looks of them- but the inside is just as nice. Big and roomy, moreso than you think, and thoughtfully put together. It's different- but not TOO different. It's still a Toyota under that boxy shape.

My next task is securing credit and then I'll begin looking in earnest. But the concept of getting a car that I can pay off in 2 or 3 years is very appealing to me. And despite- and I swear to you I am not being my usual hyperbolic self- the fact that the BMW is fucking awesome, I can be happy in the Scion.

This could all change tomorrow. But today, I think I'm making sense.

Dammit.


edit: it did all change. but i'm trying to stay reasonable. maybe.

it wins

i stand in complete awe of The World's Hardest Game. It's just a little web based flash game. Turn down the speakers. Go ahead. I'll wait for you.

Yeah. Wow. I wonder what the other 28 levels are like.

I spent a healthy portion of today looking at cars. I slobbered over an Infiniti G35, FX45, and (oddly) a Honda Fit.

It's kind of scary that while it doesn't make a ton of sense, I could probably afford an Infiniti. An 4 year old one, before you start thinking I'm loaded over here. But still- not too long ago I never thought I'd have a house and a nice car. Really. I thought I'd be living in a rathole in Southside, typing in banners for the newscast on the weekends. And for a while, that's what I did. I wanted more, and now by some messed up circumstance, I kind of have it. Now before we get too excited, my meager little existence is full of monetary boundaries and obligations of a soul-crushing nature. But looking at these cars today- cars that I seriously never thought I would get a whiff of- it felt kinda good.

With that said, the sensible options are a Honda Fit or a Subaru Forester- both have excellent reviews and I could buy a Fit with the money that's in my couch right now. Yes, it's tiny, but inside it's actually rather roomy. More roomy than a Volkswagen GTI. I felt like I was going to the gynecologist when I got in that thing. And I've never been before. But I hear it's like that.

I'm going to take my time looking and saving up a little more scratch for the down payment. I'd love to find a steal somewhere so I can get the damn thing paid off as soon as possible. But days like today, with that extra hint of heat, remind me that I have to get out of that damned van. Sooner rather than later.

So I have the age old battle of practicality, voiced by the 109 horsepower Honda Fit (or the equally banal Subaru Forester, versus the 280 horsepower Infiniti G35 coupe. Now the Honda will be newer, definately a better service record, and substantially better fuel economy. The Infiniti will destroy everything in its wake with a hypersonic boom, stopping only to pay tickets, guzzle gas and stand around looking like a badass.

I think I know which one I'm getting. What do you think?

New Music and New Soreness

Day 2 of the gym leaves me actually feeling pretty good. Sore, but good. I lifted some weights tonight- they were surprisingly heavy. I feel- I don't know- more energetic? better. Definitely better. I'm going back tomorrow- I'm pretty much going to go until my body tells me I need to take a break. Except Thursday- that day the disc golf course beckons.

Let's try something different. I acquired some new music and tried to listen to most of it in the last 24 hours. Here are some quick thoughts.

Panda Bear/Person Pitch. The Beach Boys on acid. Well, more acid. How did I miss this? It made all the top ten lists from last year. And I love it. I listened to it twice today. I'm not going to say its for everybody- and I know the guy is from Animal Collective which has never done much for me- but this is very melodic and "m.wardy". I just made up that word.

REM/Accelerate. Surprisingly not bad. The promise of a more rocking REM album is definitely fulfilled. I expected this to be a 1 listen then banish to the dusty REM folder, but I will leave it in the rotation for a while.

The Sword/Gods of the Earth. I loved the first album for its unabashed slow grind metal feel. In an admittedly abbreviated review, the 2nd album appears to follow the same formula, but not in a way that makes me think it's stale. The jury is still out.

Nada Surf/Lucky. 2 years ago Nada Surf surprised me with the excellent "The Weight is a Gift". A quick spin around last years "Lucky" seems to follow that same track. Nada Surf is not a band I go around preaching about, but they grow on you. So far so good.

Metallica/Master of Puppets. It holds up. God, I love their instrumental songs.

Of Montreal/Satanic Panic in the Attic/The Sundlandic Twins. As my music pal will attest, I have yet to grow tired of "Hissing Fauna Are You The Destroyer" by Of Montreal. That album has completely taken over my ipod. Even though I listened to a ton of music today, I still listened to this entire album. Its absolutely brilliant. So I went back and am in the process of checking out the 2 albums before it. Sort of like when I heard Yankee Hotel Foxtrot I went back and got Summerteeth and Being There. And the analogy is apt- the earlier Of Montreal sounds very basic compared to "Hissing Fauna". I haven't touched Sundlandic Twins yet, but Satanic is very tame to me. Not bad, but tame.

Acquired but not listened to is the new Sun Kil Moon. I loved "Ghosts" and I hear good things.

Others still in heavy rotation are the new Raconteurs and Black Keys. Both are fantastic.

But seriously, get a hold of "Hissing Fauna". It will kick your ass.

work and sweat

So it's back to work this week. May sweeps is a mere week and a half away and already the hysteria has begun. For a variety of reasons I have decided to begin the long treacherous road to not being lazy. Today for the first time in a month I went to the gym after work. All I did was elliptical, but it could have been the elliptical of Satan. I won't bore you with my daily pursuit of some sort of health, but I did want to publicly shame myself into going more frequently. So consider me shamed.

I'm taking a brief break from posting Europe pics. There's entirely too many of them. I'm going to have to cull a little bit and determine which ones to post next.

That's about it. I expected work to be rough after essentially being off for 2 weeks, but surprisingly things seem to be humming along without me. Maybe they'll replace me with an intern.

One last thing: check this out.
Beautiful.

Maeby chases a laser

This is how you wear out a kitty cat before bedtime.

stvitus1

stvitus1, originally uploaded by ditchell.

I'm going to be adding Europe pics to flickr from now until the end of 2012. I'm trying to do at least 10 a day so check flickr whenever you need a fix. Now I have a scanner, no nook and/or cranny of my past is safe from flickr-ing.

You got some good blog this week. Don't get spoiled by it. Act like you've been there. Stop embarrassing me. Thank you, goodnight.

Day 2 and 3

Day 2 begins with us back in the courtroom. Endless questions- have you ever been involved in a criminal case? Half the room raises their hands, and we get to hear brief details about their cases. It sounds interesting, but actually its not.

My jury girlfriend (number 2) seated next to me is fidgety. We are talking now so she will occasionally lean over and ask me things like "are we getting a break?". As if I somehow possess this knowledge and am keeping it from her. Eventually the lawyers need to argue about something, and that sends 50 of us into a room designed for 12 people. I end up across the room from her, talking to a judge who was on jury duty. She falls asleep standing up. Very impressive. I talk to the judge- he says they'll keep us in here for 5 minutes and we'll then be released. We stay in there for 40 minutes.

We're not back out there very long when we get herded back into the room. This time she and I talk a little, but i mostly read. By this time I'm irritable and sick of my jury girlfriend and jury duty in general. I _know_ I'm not being chosen for this trial. When I mentioned the TV station, I could see all their little lawyer pens scribbling madly. After another wait, we are finally weeded out. My girlfriend and I are the first row to go. We walk back across the street to the jury room. One of my mistakes in my bored analysis of her was that I assumed she wouldn't be intelligent. Perhaps that says more about my views on women. Nah, it doesn't. I know plenty of smart women. I just didnt think she was one of them. We return to the relative comfort of the jury room. Jury girlfriend #1 is curled up asleep in her chair. Small people- they can do that. They can sleep in chairs like they are beds. Damn them. I slip into my seat, JG #2 into hers, but closer. Cause now I have a stable of ho's. I'm the pimp of the jury room. But then I see a different reporter walking by and hop up to go talk to him. Sewer stuff, of course. We have a smoke, he complains about work, I explain to him that other than boringness, jury duty is ok. He leaves, I go back in. And then it happened. My pimp status is revoked. Scary moustache guy, who had been with us in the coutroom but on the other side, has taken my seat. my pimp seat. Comically, as I'm walking back to my seat, jury girlfriend #2 runs to the bathroom, as if ashamed that this old moustache guy would dare try to fill my shoes. I move down further in my row, no longer in the safe confines of the column. I get a knowing look from jury girlfriend #1. She's not happy with the situation.

But the magic then happens. Jury girlfriend #2 spurns the moustached infidel, and sits next to me. It's not often you get little wins in your imaginary jury duty pimp game, but that was it. Moustache could have my older girlfriend- I will take The Most Beautiful Girl in the Whole Wide Jury Duty Room, thank you very much. I finish 1984 with satisfaction. She and I discuss banal stuff- none of it matters. Cause Moustache keeps sneaking glances at her and to my endless delight she catches him. Too funny. We are then freed for the day.

Day 3

I get there late and she is already surrounded with suitors so I slip in on the row behind her. She immediately turns around and says hey. I'd had the night to realize that I needed to pull it back. It was fun, but I'm sorry, I gotta move on. You're cute, but it'll never work. It's not you, its me. But she was having none of that. First of all, she's wearing a shirt with holes in it. You know like a sweater but thinner. I'm not going to dwell on that, but let's all agree that it was appropriate for attracting jury duty boyfriends. Secondly, she apparently had a long discussion with her husband about me and they decided that it was ok for her to be friendly to me. No, I don't know any of that. But it seemed different. Less guarded. I had to tell her all about my work and listen politely to hers. But it was ok. Because the growing sentiment in the room is that jury duty was about to end for most of us.

And so it did. Being a "m" I went first. Then she followed. We said our goodbyes and that was it. I'll never forget my imaginary jury duty girlfriend.

Wait that's too dramatic. I might forget her. She was, however, the living embodiment of the whole experience- fun to look at and talk to, but ultimately a thankfully short diversion from reality. Reality Duty was this week- new lawnmower, gutters, and brakes. That's what I've been doing. Next week, the assault on May begins. It's going to be a hectic month and a half at work, and I'm sort of looking forward to it. I'm ready to occupy my brain with something other than imaginary girlfriends and the futility of spending 500 bucks on a car I desperately want to drive off a ravine.

It's my duty to please that jury Day 1

So I had jury duty. Day 1. Wake up earlier than normal. Freak out because I can't find my summons (later, they appeared underneath my computer desk). I get there at 7:45, but I don't actually have to be there til 8:30. The room is cavernous, and comfortable. I choose a seat behind a giant column. My jury duty girlfriend #1 sits next to me. Her name is Amanda. She is 50, but surprisingly attractive. Tiny and secure in herself. She reads with interest a copy of Scuba World magazine, I re-read 1984. It's the copy I bought in high school, full of highlights, underlines. I talk to Amanda after she falls asleep on my shoulder.

Plenty of waiting. We are released for lunch. I go to Lynn Park to read Orwell. I see one of our reporters, who can't figure out why I come all the way downtown to read in the Park. Back in the jury room, I notice The Most Beautiful Girl In The Whole Wide Room. She is sitting a row in front of me, 5 seats over. Now let's be clear- the selection of attractive women on jury duty at any given time is attrocious. So her title, as bestowed in Upper Case, is specious at best. But in between my Orwellian reveries, I'm interested in her, from a purely Puritanical perspective. My mind never quits. I wish to God it did sometimes, but it doesn't. When I am stuck in a room, with nothing but time on my hands, and you are an attractive medical technicitian sitting on the row in front of me, then I might concoct your life story. I won't share it, but I will say that I wasn't far off. Anyways, Amanda gets called to a trial, but me and Mystery Girl are still there. Eventually we both get called. When you are in a trial, they seat you alphabetically. As I almost expected, I end up sitting next to her. The first thing I learn (because I'm a boy and we notice these things) is that she is happily married. And that was fine. She was merely a diversion- something to pass the time. Because listening to 48 people answer questions about various possible biases is fucking BORING. Figuring out what makes The Most Beautiful Girl in The Whole Wide Courtroom tick- now that is interesting. And since it is bad form to read a book whilst being questioned I had nothing better to do.

So what did I learn on day one?

She's attractive. No doubt about it. Probably 26 or so. From a small town outside of Birmingham. Scared shitless about being in court. Her entire little suburban world was totally upset by this week of inconvienience. She and her husband carpool to work. They only have 1 car. They are childless, and staunch Christians.

5:30 rolls around and I am released.
(note: I never said this was interesting, just long.)

Europe Pics

london-wa1, originally uploaded by ditchell.

I'm slowly uploading all my Europe pics to flickr. It's only been 8 years...

check them out at www.flickr.com/ditchellpics

Maeby 3 months old

Maeby 3 months old, originally uploaded by ditchell.

She's now leveled up to the point that she has figured out how to get on the computer desk. It is only a matter of time before she reaches the kitchen table.

Yard Pics

the ongoing vegetation apocalypse now has pictures. Just scroll past the cute cat that secretly wants to kill me. These were taken last week, pre-chainsaw. I'll be taking some more, if only for my own enjoyment.

I haven't worked up the gumption to write about jury duty. Perhaps tomorrow.

Monthly $

a pathetic $.88 to add to the total. That brings me up to $12.19. A long way from my glorious goal of $100, hopefully sometime before the end of the Mayan calendar.

I am contractually obligated to remind you not to click on my ads, no matter how safe, informative, and helpful they may be.

Chainsaws For Justice

I have a longish blog to write about jury duty. Perhaps this weekend.

In the meantime, I took advantage of getting out of there early today and continued with backyard jungle clearing. This time a new weapon enters the fray. A weapon that had I known before hand its power, it would have never been absent. That is the electric chainsaw bestowed upon me (with the instruction book so I don't chop my hands off) from my father. The Mitchell equivalent of Excalibur tore into the punji-esque tree trunks littering my backyard like a chef slicing celery. It's raw power was only stopped by the length of my cord, something that will be addressed.

After spending days of lopping and handsawing, the sheer brute force of a chainsaw is something beautiful to behold. As the sun went down I blindly thrashed through my yard, daring anything six inches or smaller in circumference to taunt me. My yard is now littered with corpses. It's truly a wonderful thing. My next hour or two into backyard fun will be removing them- which is always the boring part. Cutting stuff is fun. If you have the means, I highly suggest it.

To continue the mind-numbingly boring yard talk, I also used my free time to purchase a lawnmower. I'm looking forward to having one that actually cuts things up, bags them and also doesn't fill my yard with smoke. The previous mower actually caused one of my neighbors to come rushing out onto his deck. Kinda funny. He then went and shut all the windows facing my house. Wuss.

One might rightly ask where is all the video game talk? I bought Tiger Woods 08 and figured out how to listen to podcasts on my Xbox- the usual scenario since Saturday has been about 3 NPR/Giant Bomb/Major Nelson podcasts and a ton of simulated golf. And then I realize that its dark outside. It's fun, but we all know its just a stop gap til the end of this month when I will be swimming in Grand Theft Auto IV, just like every other dork you know.

a slight deviation from the norm

"I don't think you understand, I'm a guest at this hotel."

That was how my dream started. Or more accurately, that's the first thing I remember. I am struggling to make the desk clerk understand that I have every right to use the elevator. He seems to think otherwise.

"Do you have any identication?"

I search my person and find that I don't. I feel that typical pain when you reach for your wallet and it's gone. Your mind instantly races- where did I leave it? Since this is a dream, I "push" the conversation on, knowing that I don't want to waste time on this detail.

"You don't belong here." The desk clerk says. Not ominously, but it catches me offguard. You know how sometimes you can control your dreams? I just did with the wallet thing. But this wasn't from me. This was the dream speaking. And it was right.

Next thing I know, I'm being introduced to the way things work. We're walking through a mall-esque structure. Shops selling indeterminate items pass by. We stop at a food court and order food. It comes on a tray out of a hole in the wall- kind of like the old Fish Market. You never see who prepares it- it just appears in a hole in the wall. We don't actually eat the food, but we do admire it. Then they show me the forbidden zone.

The shape of the zone is hexagonal. Drones patrol it, marked by red dots on my mini-map. It occurs to me that I now have a mini-map. The entire dream takes on a video game-like presence. I see cones of light emanating from the drones, showing me what direction they are looking. The dream is urging me onward, face these robotic (but not completely inorganic) beasts. I decline and end up talking to a shoe shining bum outside the forbidden zone. I don't remember the substance of our conversation, but I do remember him being very sarcastic- questioning the reason why that damn zone was forbidden in the first place. We have a laugh about it. Then my body starts to disassemble. Like it was made of polygons. Then I wake up, sweating. And I grab my notebook at start writing. I can't actually explain it well. But it was very strange and very real to me. The first thing I wrote across the top of the page was

PURGATORY

Things you never, ever want to have to google.

"cat rectum problem"
"cat rectum swelling"
"cat diarrhea"

I'm not going to talk about it. If it doesn't get better tomorrow, he's going to the vet. he either ate something bad, or... i dont know. i don't want to know.

enjoy your meal!

Where Money Comes From

Did you know where money comes from?

I didn't. It blew my mind. Just to make sure I wasn't watching some propaganda, I did a little research... this is absolutely true.

The Betrayal

Tonight after watching UAB win a close one, I went out to the Battle Van and tried to crank it to go home. The cylinder would not turn. this isn't too surprising, I've been having to sweet talk it in order to get the key to turn. Tonight, however, my sweet nothings nor my brute physical force could persuade it. I, a 33 year old man, had to call my dad to bring me the backup key. It worked like a charm- apparently after 18 years of use GMC keys stop functioning. Good to know. I'll be copying the good key tomorrow- but this little misadventure has reminded me that this van's time is coming. No air conditioning and odd squeaks are all harbingers of its doom. 

As I waited on dad tonight I was already planning going car shopping this weekend. That might be delayed, but it's going to happen. And whatever I buy will definately get more than 14 miles to the gallon. This cursed van leaves a Carbon Trench in its wake. And even though my environmental sentiments are the equivalent of a small oil company's, I am looking seriously at any vehicle that I am comfortable in and gets over 30 mpg. I am done with this nonsense.

Superiority moment: I am currently typing this blog entry on a widget on the dashboard of my mac. this dashboard also displays the lyrics to "Cato as a pun" by Of Montreal, statistics about my itunes, a calendar, dictionary, weather forecast, information about computer (cpu temps, ram available, hd space), a clock, my gmail inbox, a post it note thing with a serial number i saved in it, and a calculator. Why didn't I buy a mac 5 years ago?

Mac Pro-ing

So I am typing this on my fancy new computer. I had planned on actually going out Friday, but the lure of the Mac won out. It also doesn't hurt to save a little money on the day when I spent as much as I did on this thing. My first impressions.

1. It's heavy. I mean really heavy. And all metal.

2. it's much taller than my old PC case. Makes me feel like I put a divider up in my room.

3. Setup and installation was by far the easiest I have ever participated in. It found the keyboard, mouse, monitor, internet, external hard drive without me telling it anything. After my recent experience with Vista, which came out 5 years after the first version of OSX, I am actually stunned that Microsoft remains so clunky. And it will take some serious, serious issues with this computer/OS for me to ever go back.

4. I've successfully acquired all the programs I need. I gave it something to stew on earlier- a couple of serious renders. I'm convinced its actually faster than the one I have at work. Which is kind of funny.

5. The keyboard is about a 1/4 inch thick. its very strange, but surprisingly not bad. It's made of metal so you could probably hurt someone with it.

In other news I think I'm sick. All sniffly and down to one nostril. Too much info, I know. I also bagged 9 bags of leaves/mulch, and cut down about 9 small trees today. The pillaging of the backyard flora continues.

Quick movie review and I'm out-

King of Kong was incredible. I'm going to make my parents watch it. Highly recommend.

I can't help that I'm so superior

Yeah, I said it.

I got some reader feedback last night. Since that was probably half my readers, I should listen to both of them. I enjoy talking about what's going on- and if that's getting the greatest computer on earth, then that might get brought up. I could talk about the Vampire Weekend show- It was fantastic. But nooo. Don't want to be superior.

Let's talk about yard work.

I moved in this house in 2005, with the intent of clearing the foreboding forest in the back third of my property. Until yesterday, that was lip service. Longtime readers will remember my dumping of leaves into this area- creating a no man's land of mushy mystery. Yesterday, as I finalizing "Giant Pile of Leaves 2008", I grabbed my loppers, and entered the forbidden zone. For those in tiny apartments, loppers is the greatest invention ever. I've cut down small trees with this thing. So I went into the back with the lopper, and emerged covered in the blood of privet. I got privet everywhere. Need some? Let me know. Right now, there's a giant pile of it by my driveway.

Anyways, I blazed a trail to the back corner of my yard, and then worked my way up the middle. Today, I removed some giant limbs that had been there since before I moved in. And I am not done. Basically, if it is loppable, then it dies. Unless it's hardwood and taller than I am. Once all of this is done (couple of weeks, maybe) I plan on finding some DDT or Agent Orange and carpet bombing the ivy out there. It will come back, of that I am positive. But right now it is an affront to me. It must die.

This leaves (ha ha!) the giant pile of leaves. With my newfound desire to clean up, they cannot be deposited in the forbidden zone. I must actually bag them. I've dreamed of ways to burn them without causing the neighbors to freak out but I don't think that will work. After this, I'm looking at the eyesore of a dog house that dares to still stand. I am coming, doghouse, and I am bringing hell with me!

This...is....Conway Lane!

oh man that was terrible.

So there. All is not correct in my world. Despite watching the finest TV, purchasing the finest computer, watching the hottest band, I am but a man. A man with a yard that resembles Uganda. (I don't know if Uganda has forests). I struggle just like you do, with your workings and such. I too understand how the world is out to get you. I am a relatable blogger, feeling your hopes and fears as if they were my own. Please click on my ads now.

There you go, now I've done it. The jackbooted Googlorians are here.

TV Review: The Wire Seasons 1-5 10/10

I just finished watching the end of The Wire. I got a little weepy, mainly because it's really over. But I'm not upset on how it ended- oh no. They ended it perfectly. In fact if there's anything I can say about the The Wire, it's that it is perfect. I have enjoyed this show more than anything else. When I watched season 3 on HBO, and then went back and devoured 1 and 2, I realized that the rest of television- as a whole- is nothing. I love The Shield. But The Shield is a dumb cartoon compared to the wire. I love Lost- pure melodrama. I've never been to Baltimore, but I feel like I know it. I've never had any desire to have any part of law enforcement, but I respect it more watching this show.

I can't convince you to watch The Wire. I can tell you this- all told its approximately 60 hours long. And it isn't always easy watching. There's a lot of characters and situations to keep up with. But when its done, you'll be satisfied. You don't get all the answers at the end- there's no giant mystery to solve that isn't well wrapped up ahead of time- but you will know the kind of excellence that I wish all of the media we digest contained. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing in a sea of mediocrity, and for that alone, I'll never forget this show.


So, yeah. I liked it.

10/10

new Mac Pro math

I'm still waiting on my Mac Pro to arrive. It got me thinking about my first PC.

It was a 486-40, with 4MB of Ram, and a 180meg hard drive.

My new computer is a 8 core 2.8ghz, 6GB of ram, 2 hard drives totalling 980gigs.

The CPU(s) are 560 times faster. Just one of them is 70 times faster.

There is 1500 times more memory

And 5444 times more space on the hard drives.

I'm an old man in computing- that one was bought in 1991 or 1992, I believe. It's really quite stunning how far its come.

I'm not compensating, Really.

The era of the PC is over in my house.
This was not an easy decision- it is the most I've spent on a computer, ever. Here's why I bought it:

1. My PC likes to restart, especially when I'm in the middle of a video project. I have the auto save set to 1 minute now. I could probably diagnose the problem, but this was a clear sign that it's time for the upgrade.
2. I don't HATE Vista, but I don't like it either.
3. I have a Mac at work and coming home to my PC makes me sad.
4. Seriously. 8 cores. Do I need 8 cores? Probably not. But I have them. If you would like to borrow a core or two, I might be able to hook you up.
5. I spent 6 years editing on Adobe Premiere. I spent 4 months editing on the (Mac only) Final Cut Pro. I want to have Final Cut Pro's babies.
6. I can actually justify this as a tax writeoff.
7. For the first time since 1998, I will have a computer with a warranty that I didn't build myself.
8. A local dealer lopped about 200 bucks off the price.

So there. My computer is better than your computer. Deal with it. Embrace it. You'll have your day soon.

monthly feature: revenue

$3.13!

i'm back, baby!

cat integration complete

as my kitten was trying to claw my older cat, he was licking her. my work is done here.

the best advice i heard was to just throw them together and let them work it out. For the most part, that's what I did. I intervened a couple of times when it did not look good for her. But about a week ago, it changed. She sort of got the upper hand- I knew then it would be OK. He's not going to kill her, but if she doesn't realize he doesn't want those damn sharp kitty teeth, then he will let her know.

And that was this week in Cat Fancy blog.

My Pitch

Don't have an Xbox 360? Then you're missing out on chainsaw bayonets.

Peace. Sort of.

Cat Wars has been called off.

I'm not saying there's love all around, but I just watched my 7 week old kitten pounce on my 8 year old cat's belly. He was not pleased with this turn of events, but unlike what I would have expected on Saturday, he merely let out a hiss and a swat. She ran off, preparing for her next strike.

They aren't pals, but they aren't enemies either. I actually saw him letting her chase him.

This might actually work out.

cat wars

So i got a kitten. You can check out flickr over there to see her.

She's ridiculously cute- and yet at the same time an annoying friend who doesn't know when it's time to chill out.

My cat, Koba, despises her. There's hissing, swiping, and low growls that sound like they are coming from his deepest innards. It was very distressing, now its getting old. He cornered her once today, but other than that, avoidance seems to be his plan. I've yet to let them interact with me not around... I don't actually see that going well right now. So she's going to be confined to the computer room during the day. I look forward to the havoc she will create when left unattended.

I got her because of the usual "she's one step from death" sob story. I'm not saying I regret getting her. Well maybe a little. It has upset my house. And given me something new to be concerned with. Those are probably positives- I'll probably go out less, and spend less money. But it also makes me enter that scary prospect of being a cat person. probably too late for that one.

but she's a ton of fun, and i know it will get better.

it's got to get better.

right?

I'd trade the car wreck day

So I'm getting out of the company truck today and i step back. And theres a curb there. and my ankle goes sideways, and i land on my right knee.

and this basically happened 2 years ago, during disc golf. at least then there was a sweetgum ball to blame. this time there's nothing but sweet, sweet curb. i go get some alcohol (not the good kind) from engineering and pour it on my wound (which looks much worse than it is) and the engineer tells HR. The next 5 hours are spent in a Doc in a Box. Let's say, 30 minutes of treatment, 4.5 hours of boredness. Ipodless. DSless. Boredness.

My left foot is all kinda swollen to hell, and my right knee hates me. but nothing is broken. Thank you jebus.

I seem to like to have a good fall every now and then. I should look into learning how to land.

I don't really want sympathy or empathy. I'm just kind of pissed at gravity right now and needed to vent. I have way too much stuff going on at work for me to allow this to stop me in any way. It's very reminiscent of the accident in that it happens at the worst possible time. But you know, maybe there's a never a really good time for this.

Probably the worst part (and its I am sort of surprising myself by putting it out in internetland) is that above all, I'm embarassed. I am told that I put up a good front of being this allknowing asshole who never shows any weaknesses. Well to quote the Tick, Gravity is a harsh mistress. She is my achilles heel. Literally.

But thats not it. The worst part is that I did it. The accident, I can go to sleep at night thinking about that idiot in the minivan kareening down Montclair without a care to the world. But this, this is my doing. I could have parked in FOUR other places. I could have stepped up on the curb when i exited the vehicle- there was no reason to walk the narrow path between the vehicle and the curb.

motherfucker.

(sorry for all the cursing. i try to keep this clean for some reason, but its just not working today.)

The Vet

So I had to take my evil cat to the vet. Tricking him into the cat carrier was easier than anticipated, and watching the vet talk shit to my cat as Koba hissed at him was pretty funny. Koba was sitting there, ready to strike and the vet just tapped him on the head and said "You're not so tough" and Koba shut it down. It was over. Vet 1, Koba 0.

Before I got in, I got to experience the waiting room. Most interesting were the Pet People. The ones buying $100 worth of special dog food (a 2 week supply!) or the ones who sit next to me talking to their cat. In a baby voice. Now there's nothing wrong with talking to animals. But in public? with a baby voice?

The other moment I'd wish I'd had a camera for was when the vet stuck the thermometer up my cat's butt. The look on his face was priceless. I'd call it confused alarm/new sensation. He was happy to be home, and other than aging gracefully into a ornery bastard, perfectly fine.

Monthly Haul

$.35

ugh.

prediction: Pats 41, Giants 24

New Monthly Feature: Confessions 1/08

The first thing that went through my mind when hearing about Heath Ledger was "Oh shit I hope they're done with The Dark Knight".

Rather than cleaning a litter box, I bought a new one.

If any leftovers stay in my fridge longer than 2 days, I assume that they have turned to poison and throw them out.

I like to, on occasion, drink a cold beer in a hot shower.

I used to listen to Rush Limbaugh every day. (been clean for years)

The Productive Internet Illuminates Itself to Ditchell

So I found some cool stuff.

TED. Holy crap. Lectures by people. Interesting people. Interesting lectures. When you have 20 minutes to learn about ants, watch this. Believe me, its CRAZY. TED has lectures on damn near everything, and I've watched about 20 of them this weekend and enjoyed every one.

Layer Tennis. Basically, it's the sport of Photoshop. One person submits an image, then the competitor responds. This goes on for ten rounds. I believe they only have 15 minutes between images... I could be wrong there. No matter what they have, it's astounding. Even if you don't do the Photoshop, go watch a match (they are on the right side. Once you load one, you'll see numbers 1-10 signifying the rounds).

****

In other news, I went to the inaugural AAFL draft for "Team Alabama". I'm excited about this league. This is the first time one of Birmingham's collection of second hand leagues looks like its doing the right things. My only worry, and I'm not alone, is that they will basically brand themselves Crimson Tide Jr. I cannot support such foolishness.

February sweeps begins for me Monday. I'll be rockin' out promos pretty much every day until the 28th. So work will be like November- stressful but fun. Challenging.

I was going to write about how the Xbox Microsoft sent me is broken. Admittedly it's less broken than the one I sent in. But it's all just too sad. I'm going to have to ship it back, and I don't want to. I'm not proud of this, but I'm enjoying what might be the gayest game ever.

Despite the kiddie exterior, the guts of this game are made by (and for) bastards who slurp up Sim City sequels like things... one... would... slurp.

See I had to go with "slurp" even though I knew I had nowhere to go with it.

One last thing- our boy Springer is leaving town and there will be a party. If you didn't know any of that, send me an email.

Review: Beatles "Love" 9/10

I'm not supposed to like this. In fact, I put off listening to it for well over a year. Simply because:

1. It's a remix of the Beatles not done by Danger Mouse.
2. It is the soundtrack for Cirque du Soleil.


I'm way too cool for a Beatles remix album. Especially one that is being prepackaged to the masses. I'll take "The Grey Album", thanks.

So I'm cleaning up my iTunes library, and there it is.

And now, I have to admit that its absolutely amazing. I've never heard the Beatles this clear. Even when they did those re-issues... this is light years ahead of that. And I'm not even listening on the 5.1 surround sound version. I think if I heard that my head would explode.

It restores a small amount of my coolness to include the fact that their producer and his son put this thing together. So its um technically um. Crap. No. I'm still this giant goober for liking this thing. I feel cheap.

But its good, dammit. I didn't really want it to be, but it is.

I give it 9/10. Cause I'm not comfortable with it, but I like it.

That was quick

My repaired Xbox is on its way back. They got it Tuesday, and shipped it yesterday. I'm impressed.

I'll be more impressed if the one I get back works.

In the meantime, I'm knee-deep in Final Fantasy 12. I actually hate those type games, but 12 is not bad at all. It has a much more RTSish feel to it as opposed to turn based Japanese style RPG. I do hate the whole potions and spells aspect of it. And as a gamer for let's say 25 years, I'm sick of micromanaging potions and armors and such. It's not fun.

I mean it. Really.

My Extensive 2007 Awards

I thought instead of compiling a big list of my year end awards, I would instead have 3 of them.

The #1 Most Listened To Album on Ditchell's Ipod:
Band of Horses Cease to Begin


The Song of the Year (and perhaps Decade)





Game Moment of the Year:

My first review for the Escapist

Here is my first review for the Escapist. I'm pretty happy with it.

Monthly Feature: December

My haul for December?

$2.80

Not bad, not bad.

The Red Ring of Death

That is not my Xbox 360. But mine looks very, very similar. Because it died tonight, while playing Superbad. According to most stories, this means I am a month without Rock Band, Call of Duty 4, or any other game I want to play. So for the next month I'm going to have to occupy my time doing something that isn't Xbox 360.

Probably pulling out the Playstation 2. God forbid I go outside. It's cold out there. I could focus on fixing things around the house. But that stuff is hard.

Dammit. Where will I be on my quest to beat "Green Grass and High Tides" on medium on drums? Where will my mad COD4 skills go? How about my newly purchased board game collection? Dammit all to hell.

I need to go cry. And play my Nintendo DS.

The List of Boringness, pt 2

1. Address the leak in the kitchen drain.
If by address, I meant "put a bucket underneath it, then I'll say this is complete
2. Rake an assload of leaves
Raked. That sucked.
3. Re-route bedroom cable to remove midnight tripping device
This is pure trouble. the place I need to run it is above a vent. Still working on this one.
4. Take the cat to the vet.
I love my cat but trying to get him in a cat carrier turns him into a ferocious animal. Pass.
5. Pay someone to fix the gutter
I think I'm just going to rip that thing off the house. Gutters are for wusses.
6. Work out at least 3 days
Surprisingly, done.
7. Play more Rock Band
Most definately done. I'm up to "medium" on drums.

Redirection

Last night I registered ditchell.com

Currently, it redirects to here. I'm still trying to figure out the whole hosting thing so it might stay that way for a while.

I am beginning another week off. Here are my goals (stated publicly so I can feel the hot stench of shame at not completing them)

1. Address the leak in the kitchen drain.
2. Rake an assload of leaves
3. Re-route bedroom cable to remove midnight tripping device
4. Take the cat to the vet.
5. Pay someone to fix the gutter
6. Work out at least 3 days
7. Play more Rock Band


edit: Goal 7 completed

another reason i love radiohead

from this NYT article....

For “All I Need,” Mr. Greenwood said, he wanted to recapture the white noise generated by a band playing loudly in a room, when “all this chaos kicks up.” That sound never materializes in the more analytical confines of a studio. His solution was to have a string section, and his own overdubbed violas, sustaining every note of the scale, blanketing the frequencies.

I work for free

So I'm very excited that I have a new, non-paying job. The Escapist put out the call for reviewers, and I answered. So they are sending me a game. I play the game. I write a review. And I don't get paid. I hope they realize that by mentioning them in my blog, all 8 of you might go to their site. Hopefully they got that new server installed.

Normally I would scoff at such things. But the opportunity to do some critical thinking about something that I'm dorkily passionate about- I can't pass that up. And the game I'm getting sounds very interesting.

When I post a review I'll let you know.

Oh and the highlight of The Escapist is Zero Punctuation. As long as you can handle some harsh language, this guy is genius.

Monthly Feature: Ads

November's haul? $2.28

deep breath

so sweeps is over in 45 minutes. Thank God.

We did well. I'd rather not say in specifics, but we did better than our bosses thought we would. And with that hopefully will come some sort of bonus. One would hope.

This has been easily the most taxing month of work I've had. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't make in serious mistake, and the biggest criticism I got was "that spot looks rushed". My response- "That spot was rushed. I had 4 other ones due on the same day as that one."

Between the wreck and work, I just don't feel like I've stopped in a while and just mellowed the hell out. I plan on doing that in the coming weeks because I have one of my fabled "vacations where I don't go anywhere" coming up. But I might actually go somewhere. I don't know, I might not. There will be some raking of leaves. The yard is filling up as I type this. Unfortunately I get off work way past sunset, so the weekend is the only leaf raking time for me. I think I might try to tackle the front yard this weekend.

Lately I've been feeling unsettled. Not bored, but... I don't know. Random. I can't really trace it, but it just feels odd. I don't know what it means, or its cause. But it's there.

Hm. I can't really describe it. Tom Petty can.

I used to live in a two-room apartmentneighbors knockin' on my walltimes
were hard, I don't wanna knock itI don't miss it much at all

Oh
yeah I'm alright I just feel alittle lonely tonightI'm okay, most of the
timeI just feel a little lonely tonight

I used to need your
love so badlythen I came to live with itlately I get a
faraway feelingand
the whole thing starts again

That's a little misleading (this isn't girl related). But the feeling is the
same.

sunrise

this photo either reminds you of some good times or doesn't. and if it doesn't then you missed some fun.

War Eagle.

...

WAR EAGLE

a bowl of iron

i'm off to Auburn tomorrow to set up the backdrop for our pre-game show (which airs 10 hours before the acutal game!). I do not currently have a ticket, but i'm not afraid to pay for one.

prepare yourself for pictures and blogging.


in other news Rock Band has taken over my living room. I plan on discussing that at some point as well. Sweeps is over next Wednesday...and I will be getting drunk.

That is all. War Eagle.

Shotgunning Beers

When one shotguns a beer, a hole is punctured near the bottom of the can. One puts his mouth to the hole, and opens the top of the beer, causing it to flow quite quickly out of the hole.

I witnessed something Friday regarding the shotgunning of beers that made me almost pee in my pants. One friend of mine, let's call him Todd, was messed up. In a bad, bad way. Luckily he was in his own home. So Todd has really had enough. But one of his buddies from out of town is just getting started. So Todd is swaying there, and his friend prepares a beer for shotgunning for him. His friend yells go and begins to shotgun his own beer. Todd, the poor bastard, is not aware of the the hole in his can. He proceeds to open the beer and drink it normally. Unfortunately, 80% of the beer is flowing out of the hole, all over him. The funny part is the 10 seconds it takes for the beer to empty on him, with Todd increasingly frustrated that no beer is coming out of the can. I suppose its one of those moments you should have seen, but Todd is completely exasperated by his defective beer, and slowly realizing he's now covered in it.

Good times.

we are grateful for our iron lung

so I went to remove my tag from my dead Honda. It was in Purgatory for Wrecked Cars. Surrounded by some horrific wrecks. It looked...healthy. Comparatively. The insurance company coughed up some cash for it. Normally I'd blow all that money. But I think I might actually do something moderately intelligent with it.

Except for Rock Band. I'm buying Rock Band.

Sweeps

It was a prety rough week at work. I think, but am not sure, that I completed about 18 spots. Next week might be worse. I responded to the week by getting drunk. It helped, I think. Last night was a disaster and a good time. There are pictures on flickr.

Also I added some pics of the Battle Van. Some hot van-on-garage action.

My posts are lacking. I am aware of this.

New Vehicle Assessment: 1990 GMC Safari 10/31/07-?

So I'm now driving my mom's old van. She upgraded to a CRV 4 months ago (lucky for me) and the trade-in value on a 1990 GMC Safari with no AC is not very high. The "Chris needs a car" value of the van is very, very high. The first van related test was "Does it fit in the garage?" The answer is yes. It's very, very close. and when it's in the garage...it IS the garage. But it fits, thank god.

The next test was painful. A week ago, I filled it up. That cost 46 dollars. Today, 1 week later (but only 5 days of real drivin') I dropped another $26 into it. It's getting about 13 mpg. So gas is definately a concern.

The next negative is quite obvious. Going from Accord to Safari has allowed me to appreciate the sublime feeling of a proper parallel park. Because that shit ain't happening in the van. Hell, sometimes I pass over regular parking spaces just because I don't like the angle. The van is very wide and does not do so well with turning radii. It despises them.

There is good, though. It sits up high- I like lording over the other drivers whizzing by beneath me. There is also a glorious abundance of leg and headroom. The Honda loved to give me a love tap on my head whenever I went over a bump. That is gone. It is also cavernous. If at any point you need to drive an NBA team somewhere, let me know.

I mentioned after the accident that I was car shopping. I have all but changed my mind. I figure I can pay off most of my debts and drive this giant van until it dies. And then promptly go back into debt. Well, the hope is to have some saved up so when the van does bite it, I could actually have some money down for a vehicle. That's the plan anyways. When I see you, dear reader, next summer and I'm covered in sweat, it's because I'm cheap. Just remember that. The AC is a definate issue. It's something about having to replace the freon to some new formula that cars use. I think my father told me getting this done would effectively cost the same amount as the van itself. One good thing is that my mother drove it sparingly- in 17 years there's only 91K miles on it. The Honda had 112K. Crazy.

"Battle Van" is its nickname. This was actually named way back in high school in reference to the Punisher's method of transportation. I remember quite clearly going on a trip with my parents and thinking to myself that when I'm old I'll never have a boring car like that one. I'll drive mustangs and ferraris. Yeah.

Monthly Feature: Happy Meal time

Total revenue for "The Exact Smile" blog for the month of October?



$2.74



Booyah! I suppose I need to wreck my car more often. Thank you so much, all 4 of you loyal readers. You have allowed me realize my dream of making an inconsequential amount of money talking about myself.



At this rate, the day the blog ends, December 21, 2012, I will have...



$167!